André's Best Jokes Page 1!

• "You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, France is accusing the US of arrogance and Germany doesn't want to go to war."

• How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

  Answer: Only one, but the light bulb has to WANT to change.

• President Clinton is out jogging, and he encounters a man with some puppies. Clinton asks the man what kind of puppies they are, and the man responds, "They're Democrat puppies, Mr. President."

  Clinton thinks that is so great that the next day he brings the first lady to see these puppies for herself. He asks the man to tell Hillary what kind of puppies they are, and the man responds, "They're Republican puppies." The president looks puzzled and says, "Yesterday, you told me they were Democrat puppies." The man smiles and says, "Yesterday, they were. But today, they have their eyes open!"

• What's the last thing to go through a bug's mind as it hits the windshield?... His ass!

• A Jewish man walks into a bar and sits down. He has a few drinks, then he sees a Chinese man and punches him in the face.

  "Ouch!" the Chinese man says. "What was that for?" "That was for Pearl Harbor," the Jewish man says. "But I'm Chinese!" "Chinese, Japanese, what's the difference?" And the Jewish man sits back down.

  Then, the Chinese man walks up to the Jewish man and punches him in the face. "Ouch!" the Jewish man says. "What was that for?" "That was for the Titanic," the Chinese man says. "But that was an iceberg!" "Ice berg, Goldberg, what's the difference?"

• A man sits down at a restaurant and looks at the menu. He tells the waiter "I think I will have the turtle soup". The waiter leaves, but the man changes his mind to pea soup. He yells to the waiter "Hold the turtle, make it pea".

• If "CON" is the opposite of "PRO", what is the opposite of PROGRESS?

• There was this construction worker on the 3rd floor of this unfinished building. He needed a hand saw, but was too lazy to go down and get it himself, so he tried to call his fellow worker on the ground to get it for him, but this guy could not hear a word he said. So he started to give a sign so the guy on the ground could understand him.

  So first he pointed at his eyes (meaning "I") then pointed at his knees (meaning "need"), and moved his hand back and forth describing the movement of a hand saw.

  Finally the guy on the ground started nodding his head like he understood and dropped his pants and started to jack off. The guy on the 3rd floor got pissed and ran down to the ground and started yelling at this guy: "You idiot, I was trying to say, I need a hand saw". The other guy replied: "I know, I was trying to tell you that "I am coming...".

• One day Bill complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor." His friend offered, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker an cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10."

  Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.

  Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.

  He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

  Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.

• A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

  After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"

  The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

  Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

• A Letter From A Redneck Mother To Her Son

  Dear Son,

  I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. Won't be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here took the numbers with them for their house, so they wouldn't have to change their address.

  This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven't seen 'em since.

  It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time.

  The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

  We got a bill from the funeral home, and it said if we didn't make the final payment on Grandma's funeral bill, up she comes.

  About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether if it is a boy or a girl so don't know if you are an Aunt or Uncle.

  Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to get him out, but he fought them off playfully, so he drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.

  Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other 2 drowned. They couldn't get the tail gate down.

  Not much more news this time. Nothing much happened. If you don't get this letter, please let me know and I will send another one.

  Love, Ma

• Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. On this particular day, the teacher wanted to ask her class which part of the body went to heaven first.

  One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think your mind goes to heaven first because you have to have a mind in order to believe in God."

  The teacher praises the little girl as a little boy raises his hand. He says, "I think your heart goes to heaven first because God is all about love."

  "Very good," said the teacher. The teacher looked up and saw Little Johnny's hand up. "Oh no," she thought, "I'm not gonna like this. "Little Johnny, which part of the body do you think goes to heaven first?" Little Johnny thinks for a minute and says, "Your feet." The teacher asked him why he thought your feet go to heaven first.

  He replied, "Well, I was walking past my parents' bedroom last night and my mom had her feet up in the air and she said, 'Oh God, I'm coming!', but fortunately Dad was on top of her holding her down.

• Radio conversation released by the chief of naval operations 10.10.95:

  Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.

  Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision

  Americans: This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

  Canadians: No, I say again divert YOUR course.

  Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS ENTERPRISE, WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW.

  Canadians: This is a little lighthouse. Your call.

• A guy comes to his friend and finds him beating his dick with a hammer.

  - What are you doing?

  - I'm masturbating.

  - Masturbating with a hammer!? Are you enjoying it at all?

  - Yes, each time I miss it.

• A bachelor has no belly because when he opens a fridge he says:

  - " it, the same again!" and then goes to the bed.

  A married man has belly because when he comes to the bad he says:

  - " it, the same again!" and then goes and opens the fridge.

Next Page

TOP