André's Best Jokes Page 2!
These are the 500 best jokes I have selected from about 5 times as many over a period of months, thus guaranteeing they really are the best jokes... well, at least if you share my particular sense of humour :) All kinds of jokes will be found here, in no particular order, from clean jokes, to sex jokes, to president Bush jokes... Enjoy!
Hello, and welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline. If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid-delusional...
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."
"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money" and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.
"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
"Well," she said, "I hope you have a damned good appetite, because the electricity was cut off this morning."
While a Scot is pissing, a dollar falls into the toilet. Desperately, he looks at the dollar and asks himself whether a dollar is worth getting his hands dirty. After a while of thinking, he takes 10 dollars out of his pocket and throws them into the toilet.
"Well, it's worth getting your hands dirty for eleven dollars!"
A man is driving on a city bus with a newspaper on his knee. From time to time, he rips a piece off, ripping that piece into smaller ones and throwing them out the window. A passenger standing near him asks:
-Excuse me, why are you throwing pieces of paper out the window?
-I'm chasing away the elephants.
-Chasing elephants? There aren't elephants in the city.
-Well that means it's working!
Two friends:
- I heard that you have founded a musical band.
- Yes, it is a quartet.
- How many are you?
- We are three.
- Three?
- Me and my brother.
- You have a brother?
- No, why do you ask?
A man ordered a soup in the restaurant but, as soon as the soup arrived, he had to go to the bathroom. To make sure that nobody touched his soup while he is away, he wrote on a napkin: "I HAVE SPIT IN THE SOUP".
Once he returned, he found a message on the same napkin: "ME, TOO".
Hot summer, ninety degrees. A rabbit seats in the shadow of a tree and sharpens a stick with a knife.
A wolf passes by.
- Rabbit, rabbit, what are you doing?
- I am sharpening this stick in order to kill the bear.
- ???
A vixen passes by.
- Rabbit, rabbit, what are you doing?
- I am sharpening this stick in order to kill the bear.
- ???
The bear passes by.
- Rabbit, rabbit, what are you doing?
- I am sharpening this stick and bull
ing.One woman stops a taxi.
- To the airport, please.
After ten minutes the taxi driver, watching the woman in the mirror, says:
- You are third pregnant woman that I have driven to the airport today.
- Are you kidding me, I am not pregnant.
- Well, you haven't arrived to the airport yet either.
Why dwarfs laugh while they play the soccer?
- Because the grass tickles their balls!
A group of spermatozoa march. Unexpectedly, the spermatozoon guides stops:
- Stop! Treason! The ass!!!
What is the worst thing that can happen to a bat while it sleeps?
- To get a diarrhea!
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the wife asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the husband replied, "in-laws."
A woman rushes home, bursting through the front door of her house yelling to her husband: Pack your bags honey, I just won the lottery! All $10 million of it... Woooohoooo!"
That's great, Darling!", he replies, "Do I pack for the beach or for the ski slopes?"
'Who cares," she replies, "Just
off!"A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, rocks about 2" in diameter. He then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed that it was.
So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.
The students laughed. The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. "Now," said the professor, "I want you to recognize that this is your life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your health, your children - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, and your car. The sand is everything else. The small stuff. If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you.
Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal." "Take care of the rocks first - the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."
But then...
A student then took the jar which the other students and the professor agreed was full, and proceeded to pour in a glass of beer. Of course the beer filled the remaining spaces within the jar making the jar truly full.
The moral of this tale is:
That no matter how full your life is, there is always room for BEER.
A guy gets home late one night and his wife says, "Where the hell have you been?"
"I was out getting a tattoo."
"A tattoo? What kind of tattoo did you get?"
"I got a hundred dollar bill on my penis."
"What the hell were you thinking? Why did you get a hundred dollar bill on your penis?"
"Well, number one, I like to watch my money grow. Number two, once in a while, I like to play with my money. And lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want!"
An elderly couple had been dating for some time. Finally they decided it was time for marriage. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly.
"Well - she says, responding very carefully - I'd have to say I would like it infrequently."
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment. Then, looking over his glasses, he looked her in the eye casually asking, "Was that one word or two?"
Three New Zealanders and three Aussies are traveling by train to a cricket match at the World Cup in England.
At the station, the three Kiwis each buy a ticket and watch as the three Aussies buy just one ticket between them.
"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the Kiwis.
"Watch and learn," answers one of the Aussies. They all board the train. The Kiwis take their respective seats but all three Aussies cram into a toilet and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Tickets please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The Kiwis see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after the game, they decide to copy the Aussies on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Aussies don't buy a ticket at all!! "How are you all going to travel without any ticket?" says one perplexed Kiwi. "Watch and learn," answers an Aussie.
When they board the train the three Kiwis cram into a toilet and soon after the three Aussies cram into another nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterwards, one of the Aussies leaves the toilet and walks over to the toilet where the Kiwis are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket please."