André's Best Jokes Page 5!

• The new employee stood before the paper shredder looking confused. "Need some help?" a secretary, walking by, asked.

  "Yes," he replied, "how does this thing work?" "Simple," she said, taking the fat report from his hand and feeding it into the shredder.

  "Thanks, but where do the copies come out?"

• A carpet installer decides to take a cigarette break after completing the installation in the first of several rooms he has to do. Finding them missing from his pocket he begins searching, only to notice a small lump in his recently completed carpet-installation.

  Not wanting to rip up all that work for a lousy pack of cigarettes he simply walks over and pounds the lump flat. He decides to forgo the break continues on to the other rooms to be carpeted. At the end of the day he's completed his work and loading his tools into his trucks when two events occur almost simultaneously: he spies his pack of cigarettes on the dashboard of the truck, and the lady of the house calls out

  "Have you seen my parakeet?"

• It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale and some advertising in the local paper were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30 in the morning in front of the store. A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colorful curses.

  On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again. As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line, "That does it! If they hit me one more time, I don't open the damn store!"

• A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar... FREE BEER! FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS THE TEST! So the guy asks the bartender what the test is.

  Bartender replies "Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a 'gator out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there's a woman up-stairs who's never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her." The guy says, "Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then get crazier from there.

  Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?"

  He grabs the gallon of tequila with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face. Next, he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence. The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body.

  "Now" he says "Where's that woman with the sore tooth?"

• Two old drunks in a bar. The first one says, "Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with either of my hands. By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard. "By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. I'm gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand"

  "So," says the second drunk, "what's your point?" "Well," says the first, "I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get!"

• A man walks into a bar with a giraffe and they proceed to get blitzed. The giraffe drinks so much it passes out on the floor. The man gets up and heads for the door to leave when the bartender yells, "Hey! You can't leave that lyin' there!" The drunk replies, "That's not a lion! It's a giraffe."

• A guy walks into a bar with a dog under his arm, puts the dog on the bar and announces that the dog can talk and that he has $100 he's willing to bet anyone who says he can't.

  The bartender quickly takes the bet and the owner looks at the dog and asks, "What's the thing on top of this building which keeps the rain from coming inside?" The dog answers "ROOF." The bartender says, "Who are you kidding? I'm not paying." The dogs owner says, "How about double or nothing and I'll ask him something else".

  The bartender agrees and the owner turns to the dog and asks, "Who was the greatest ballplayer of all time". The dog answers with a muffled "RUTH." With that the bartender picks them both up and throws them out the door. As they bounce on the sidewalk the dog looks at his owner and says "DiMaggio?".

• There was once a man who was in a bar, terribly drunk. The bartender noticed this, and when he asked for another beer, the bartender politely told him that he was too drunk to be served another drink. The man leaves.

  He walks in the side door and asks the bartender for a beer. A little frustrated, the bartender repeats the answer he said before. The man leaves. He then comes in the other side door, walks to the bartender and asks for a beer. The bartender is annoyed, and tells the man he is too drunk and to get a ride home and leave his bar. He leaves.

  He then comes in the BACK door, comes the bartender, and before he can say a word, the bartender explodes at him. "I told you already, you are way to drunk, you can not have another beer! Get out of my bar!" Disgruntled, the man looks at the bartender and asks, "Man, how many bars do you work at?"

• A man walks into a hamburger shop and orders a regular meal. Later, the waitress brings his meal to him. He takes a bite out of it, and notices there's a small hair in the hamburger. He begins yelling frantically at the waitress, "Waitress, there's a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what is going on!"

  So, the waitress takes him back where the cook is and to his demise, he sees the cook take the meat patty and flatten it under his arm pit. He says, "That's disgusting!" Then the waitress says, "You think that's disgusting you should see him make donuts."

• There were these three guys. They had been walking for 3 days and were very tired. They found a hotel, rented a room and went to sleep. Then, this old guy comes in out of nowhere, and says there is a magic pool just outside their hotel room. He tells them "Ok, you must jump off the diving board, and yell out what you wanna land in."

  So the three guys go over to the pool. The first guy, a vegetarian, yells out "Bananas!" and lands in a pool of bananas. The second guy was money hungry and yelled out "Money!" and lands in a pile of money. The third guy jumps, but he slips and hits his head, and yells "Oh !"

• A few days after Christmas, A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train set in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son yell "All you sons of es who want to get off, get the hell off now, because this is the last stop! All of you sons of es that are getting on, get your asses in the train cause were leaving". The mother went in and told her son, "we don't use that kind of language in this house." Now I want you to go into your room for two hours. When you come out, you can play with your train, but I don't want to hear any bad language.

  Two hours later, the son comes out of his room and continues playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard the son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your ride was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon. For those of you who are just boarding the train, we ask that you stow all of your hand luggage under the seat, remember there is no smoking except on the club car. We hope you have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today".

  "For those of you who are pissed off with the two hour delay , please see the in the kitchen."

• An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.

  When they arrived at the doctors, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things.

  The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "Where are you going?" He replied, "To the kitchen." She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" He replied, "Sure." She then asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" He said, "No, I can remember that."

  She then said, "Well I would also like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because I know you'll forget that." He said, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." She replied, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."

  With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down! I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and said angrily: "I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!"

• A burglar breaks into a house. He sees a CD player that he wants so he takes it. Then he hears a voice "JESUS is watching you". He looks around with his flashlight wandering "What The HELL Was That?".

  He spots some $ on a table and takes it......Once again he hears a voice " JESUS is watching you". He hides in a corner trying to find where the voice came from.

  He spots a birdcage with a parrot in it! He goes over and asks " Was that your voice?". It said "YES". He then says "What's your name?". It says "MOSES". The burglar says " What kind of person names his bird Moses??"

  The parrot replies "THE SAME PERSON THAT NAMES HIS ROTWEILER "JESUS".

• A guy walks past a mental hospital and hears a moaning voice "13.......13.......13.........13" the man looked over to the hospital and saw a hole in the wall, he looked through the hole and gets poked in the eye. The moaning voice then groaned '14.........14.........14.......14.'

• THE ANSWER TO A FEMALE SAYING "WHAT'S WRONG?".....

  The same old thing = Nothing

  Nothing = Everything

  Everything = My PMS is acting up

  Nothing, really = It's just that you're such a pain in the butt

  I don't want to talk about it = Go away, I'm still building up steam

• THE WOMEN'S GUIDE TO MEN'S ENGLISH

  "I'm hungry" = I'm hungry

  "I'm sleepy" = I'm sleepy

  "I'm tired" = I'm tired

  "Do you want to go to a movie?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

  "Can I take you out to dinner?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

  "Can I call you sometime?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

  "May I have this dance?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

  "Nice dress!" = Nice cleavage!

  "You look tense, let me give you a massage." = I want to fondle you

  "What's wrong?" = I don't see why you are making such a big deal out of this

  "What's wrong?" = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?

  "What's wrong?" = I guess sex tonight is out of the question

  "I'm bored" = Do you want to have sex?

  "I love you" = Let's have sex now

  "I love you, too" = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now!

  "Yes, I like the way you cut your hair" = I liked it better before

  "Yes, I like the way you cut your hair" = $50 and it doesn't look any different!

  "Let's talk" = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me

  "Will you marry me?" = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys

  "I like that one better" (while shopping) = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!!!

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