André's Best Jokes Page 8!

• A female officer arrests a drunk. She warns him:

  "You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be held against you." The drunk replies, "Tits."

• When Einstein died and arrived at the gates of heaven, St. Peter wouldn't let him in until he proved his identity. Einstein scribbled out a couple of his equations, and was admitted into paradise.

  And when Picasso died, St. Peter asked, "How do I know you're Picasso?" Picasso sketched out a couple of his masterpieces. St. Peter was convinced and let him in.

  When George W. Bush died, he went to heaven and met the man at the gates. "How can you prove to me you're George W. Bush?" Saint Peter said. Bush replied, "Well heck, I don't know."

  St. Peter says, "Well, Albert Einstein showed me his equations and Picasso drew his famous pictures. What can you do to prove you're George W. Bush?"

  Bush replies, "Who are Albert Einstein and Picasso?" St. Peter says, "It must be you, George, c'mon on in."

• WASHINGTON (Reuters) - A tragic fire on Monday destroyed the personal library of President George W. Bush. Both of his books have been lost. Presidential spokesman Ari Fleischer said the president was devastated, as he had not finished coloring the second one.

• Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and George W. Bush were set to face a firing squad in a small Central American country.

  Bill Clinton was the first one placed against the wall and just before the order was given he yelled out,

  "Earthquake!" The firing squad fell into a panic and Bill jumped over the wall and escaped in the confusion.

  Al Gore was the second one placed against the wall. The squad was reassembled and Al pondered what he had just witnessed. Again before the order was given Al yelled out,

  "Tornado!" Again the squad fell apart and Al slipped over the wall.

  The last person, George W. Bush, was placed against the wall. He was thinking, "I see the pattern here, just scream out something about a disaster and hop over the wall." He confidently refused the blindfold as the firing squad was reassembled. As the rifles were raised in his direction he grinned from ear to ear and yelled,

  "Fire!"

• While visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if they're intelligent. "I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."

  She phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister. Please answer this question: Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?" Tony Blair responds ,"It's me, ma'am."

  "Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"

  "Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!" Upon returning to Washington, he decides he'd better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. He summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."

  "Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"

  "Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

  Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?"

  Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. Helms immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.

  "Now lookee here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?" Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course, you dumb cracker."

  Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!"

  And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, you dumb , it's Tony Blair!"

• George W. Bush and his driver were going to Air Force One and were passing a farm. A pig jumped out in the road suddenly. The driver tried to get out of the way, but he hit him. He went in the farm to explain what had happened. He came out with a beer, a cigar, and a tons of money. Bush saw this and said, "My God, what did you tell them?"

  The driver replied, "I told them that I'm George W. Bush's driver and I just killed the pig."

• Q. What's the difference between George Michael and a microwave oven?

  A. A microwave stops when you open the door.

• I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

  He asked, "Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer?" "Oh no", I replied, "I've never done either." Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and bar-b-qued ribs? I said, "No, I've heard that all "red meat" is very unhealthy!" "Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf?" he asked. "No I don't," I said. He said, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or fool around with sexy women?", "No," I said, "I've never done any of those things."

  He looked at me and said, "Then why in hell do you want to live to be 80??"

• International Dating Etiquette

  CAUCASIAN WOMAN

  First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.

  Second date: You get to grope all over and make out.

  Third date: You get to have sex in the missionary position.

  BLACK WOMAN

  First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.

  Second Date: Your get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner.

  Third Date: You get to pay her rent.

  Tenth Date: She's pregnant by someone other than you!

  IRISH WOMAN

  First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.

  Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.

  20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.

  ITALIAN WOMAN

  First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.

  Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti and meatballs.

  Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you and insists on a 3 carat ring.

  5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together and hate the thought of having sex.

  6th Anniversary: You find yourself a girlfriend.

  JEWISH WOMAN

  First Date: You get dynamite head.

  Second Date: You get more great head.

  Third Date: You tell her you'll marry her and never get head again.

  MIDDLE EASTERN WOMAN

  First Date: You fill out the mandatory family questionnaire listing all your assets.

  Second Date: You go out to the park with her and her whole family comes along.

  Third Date: She claims she's a virgin and refuses to have sex with you.

  Fourth Date: She makes up for the past ten years of sexual deprivation in one night. You're rushed to a hospital for exhaustion.

  LATIN WOMAN

  First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get her drunk on Riunte, have sex in the back of her car.

  Second Date: She is pregnant.

  Third Date: Move in with her, her two cousins, her sister's boyfriend and live happily ever after eating rice and beans in the Bronx.

  POLISH WOMAN

  First Date: You go to pick her up, and she isn't home. She gave you the wrong address..

  Second Date: You decide to meet at a restaurant. She gets lost getting to the restaurant and then again going home.

  Third Date: She's pregnant. She's not sure if its hers.

  KOREAN WOMAN

  First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens.

  Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner but nothing happens again.

  Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you have already realized nothing is going to happen.

  INDIAN WOMAN

  First date: Meet her parents.

  Second date: Set the date of the wedding.

  Third date: Wedding night.

• WHY I FIRED MY SECRETARY...

  Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday, and I wasn't feeling too good that morning. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and probably have a present for me. As it turned out, she didn't even say good morning, let alone any happy birthday. I thought, well, that's wives for you, the children will remember. The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent.

  As I walked into my office, my secretary Janet said, "Good morning, Boss. Happy Birthday". And I felt a little better that someone had remembered. I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me."

  I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!" We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; instead we went out into the country to a private little place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not. "She said, "Let's go to my apartment."

  After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable." "Sure!" I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake...followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday.

  And I just sat there...on the couch...naked.

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