André's Best Jokes Page 12!

• Two five year old boys are standing at the toilet to pee. One says, "Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!".

  "I've been circumcised.", the other replied.

  "What's that mean?"

  "It means they cut the skin off the end."

  "How old were you when it was cut off?"

  "My mom said I was two days old."

  "Did it hurt?", the kid asked inquiringly.

  "You bet it hurt, I didn't walk for a year!"

• This guy wakes up out of a deep sleep and, feeling real horny, nudges his wife awake and asks, "Why don't we get it on, eh?" She replies, "I have an appointment at the gynecologist tomorrow and you know I don't like to make love the night before." So the husband agrees and rolled back over and started to go back to sleep.

  A few minutes later, he nudges his wife again and asks, "You don't by any chance have a dentist's appointment tomorrow, do you?"

• A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death.

  One smart ass, male student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?", and the whole classroom burst into laughter.

  After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, "Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write."

• A man tells his wife that he's going out to buy cigarettes. When he gets to the store he finds out it's closed. So the guy ends up going to the bar to use the vending machine. While there, he has a few beers and begins talking to this beautiful girl. He has a few more beer and the next thing he knows he's in this girl's apartment and having quite a pleasurable time. The next thing he know it was 3:00 AM.

  "Oh my, god, my wife is going to kill me!" he exclaimed. "Quick give me some talcum powder!"

  She gets him some and he rubs it all over his hands. When he got home his wife is up waiting for him and she's furious. "Where the hell have you been!"

  He says, "Well to tell you the truth, I went into a bar, had a few drinks, went home with this blonde and I slept with her." "Let me see your hands!" she demands. He shows his wife his powdery hands.

  "Damn liar, you were out bowling again!"

• A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room. "Where the hell do you think you're going?" he says. "I'm going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free."

  The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well. "Where do you think you going?" the wife asks.

  "I'm coming with you...I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!!!"

• Clinton dies and of course goes straight to hell. When he gets there the Devil greets him and offers him three ways to spend eternity.

  They go to the first door and the Devil shows him Newt Gingrich, hanging from the ceiling with fire under him. Bill says "Oh no! That's not how I want to spend all eternity......."

  They go to the second door. The Devil shows him Rush Limbaugh chained to the wall being tortured. Bill says "Oh no! Not for me!"

  They go to the third door. Behind it is Ken Starr, chained to the wall with Monica Lewinsky on her knees giving him a blowjob. Bill thinks and decides, "Hmmm, looks okay to me. I'll take it."

  The Devil then says, "Good. Hey Monica, you've been replaced."

• A guy is driving out in the middle of nowhere, very lost. Finally he spots 2 houses so he goes up to the first house and looks in the door way. He sees an old lady yanking on her boobs and an old man jerking off.

  He is so freaked out that he goes to the next house and says "What's up with your neighbors?" and the owner of the house says

  "Oh that's the Robinson's, they're both deaf. She's telling him to go milk the cow and he's telling her to go herself!"

• The FBI is considering three men to be hired. They bring them in to speak with the interviewer separately.

  The first man comes in and sits down. The interviewer asks him "Do you love your wife?" so he replies "Yes I do, sir." "Do you love your country?" asks the interviewer. "Yes I do, sir.", interviewer continues, "What do you love more, your wife or your country?" he replies "My country, sir." The interviewer looks at the man, "Okay. We brought in your wife. Take this gun and go into the next room and kill her." The guy puts the gun down and says "I can't do it..."

  The second guy comes in and sits down. The interviewer asks him the same questions, and the responses are the same. The interviewer gives him a gun, and tells him to go kill his wife. The man goes into the room, and all is silent for about 5 minutes. He comes back, with his tie loosened and he is all sweaty. "I can't do it..." He puts down the gun and leaves.

  The third guy comes in, the same thing happens. The interviewer gives him a gun, and tells him to go kill his wife. The guy goes into the room, and BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! This is followed by a bunch of crashing sounds that end after a few minutes. The guy comes out of the room with his tie loosened, and puts the gun on the table.

  The interviewer looks at him and says "What happened?!?!", to which the guy replies, "The gun you gave me was filled with blanks so I had to strangle her!"

• A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. "You aren't so good in bed either!", he shouted and stormed off to work. By mid morning, he decided he'd better make amends and called home.

  "What took you so long to answer?"

  "I was in bed."

  "What were you doing in bed this late?"

  "Getting a second opinion."

• One time there was an army camp in India that just received a new commander. During the new commanders first inspection everything checked out except one thing. There was a camel tied to a tree on the edge of the camp.

  The commander asked what it was for, one of the soldiers who had been stationed there for a while explained to him that the men sometimes get lonely since there where no woman there so they have the camel. The commander just let that go, but after a few weeks he was feeling very lonely so he ordered the men to bring the camel into his tent. The men did, and he went to work on it.

  After about an hour the commander came out zipped up his pants and said, "So is that how the other men do it?"

  One of the men responded, "No we usually just use the camel to ride into town."

• Well, one night a boy and his girlfriend are out on a date and as the boy pull in his girlfriends drive-way to let her out she tells him to come over the next night for dinner and meet her parents. The boy agrees and the girl says to him that after dinner they will make love.

  Well the boy agrees and as he is on his way home, he thinks to himself ,"This will be my first time sleeping with someone, so before I go over to her house ill stop by the pharmacy and buy some condoms". Well that day went by and they young boy was on his way to the pharmacy , and as he purchased the condoms the pharmacist gives him a mean look, the boy thinks nothing of it and goes on.

  Well, when the boy is at his girlfriends house, her mother asks him to say the blessing before dinner, well the boy is going on and on about stuff during the prayer and his girlfriend leans to him and says " I didn't know you were such a religious person" and the boy says back " I didn't know your dad is a pharmacist".

• Mrs. Jones goes to the doctor for a full medical. After an hour or so, the doctor looks at Mrs. Jones and says the following:

  "Mrs. Jones, overall you are very healthy for a 45 year old. There is however, only one problem. You are 40 pounds overweight and bordering on obese. I would strongly suggest that you diet now to save any complications in later years."

  She looks sternly at him and says, "I demand a second opinion".

  "OK" he says, "you're ing ugly as well!"

• A man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table. As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon, and set it on the table.

  The diner was impressed. "Do all the waiters here carry spoons in their pockets?" The waiter replied, "Yes. Ever since an Efficiency Expert visited our restaurant... He determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen." The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented, "Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?"

  The waiter replied, "Yes, we all do. Seems that the same Efficiency Expert determined that we spend to much time washing our hands after using the men's room. So, the other end of that string is tied to my penis. When I need to go, I simply pull the string, do my thing, and then return to work. Having never touched myself, there really is no need to wash my hands. Saves a lot of time."

  "Wait a minute," said the diner, "how do you get your penis back in your pants?"

  "Well, I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon."

• Farmer Brown goes out one bay and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken. The cocky young rooster walks over to the old rooster and says: "OK, old fellow, time to retire." The old rooster says: "You can't handle all these chickens, look what it did to me!"

  The young rooster replies: "Now don't give me a hassle about this old man. It's time for the old to step aside and the young take over, so take a hike!" The old rooster says: "Aw, c'mon, just let me have those two old hens over there in the corner. I won't bother you."

  The young rooster snarls: "Scram! Beat it! You're washed up! I'm taking over!" The old rooster thinks for a minute and then says to the young rooster: "I'll tell you what, young fellow, I'll have a race around the farm house with you. Whoever wins the race gets full domain over the chicken coop." The young rooster smiles: "You know I'm going to beat you, old man. So just to be fair, I'm even going to give you a head start."

  The two roosters line up in back of the farm house; a hen clucks "Go!" and the old rooster takes off running. About 5 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farm house and the young rooster is inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.

  Farmer Brown, sitting on the porch, hearing the commotion looks up and sees what's going on. Quickly, he grabs his shotgun and BOOM! The young rooster is blown to smithereens! Farmer Brown sadly shakes his head in disgust: "Damn! That makes the third gay rooster I bought this week."

• A woman walks into the store and purchases the following:

  1 small box of detergent

  1 Bar of soap

  3 individual servings of yogurt

  2 oranges

  1 stick of women's deodorant.

  She then goes to the check out line.

  Cashier: Oh, you must be single

  Woman: You can tell that by what I bought?

  Cashier: No, you're ing ugly!

• A blind man was walking down the street with his dog. They stopped at the corner to wait for the passing traffic. The dog, at this point, started pissing on the mans leg.

  As the dog finished the man reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a doggie treat and started waving it at the dog.

  A passerby saw all the events happening and was shocked. He approached the blind man and asked how he could possibly reward the dog for such a nasty deed.

  The blind man replied "Oh I'm not rewarding him, I'm just trying to find his head so I can kick his in' ass."

• Two men waiting at the pearly gates strike up a conversation. "How'd you die?" the first man asks the second.

  "I froze to death," says the second.

  "That's awful, how does it feel to freeze to death?" says the first.

  "It's very uncomfortable at first, you get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How did you die?" says the second.

  "I had a heart attack", says the first guy. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died." The second man shakes his head. "that's so ironic" he says.

  "What do you mean?" asks the first man "If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."

• A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a case of beer, any kind except Schlitz.

  The bartender says, "What's wrong with Schlitz, don't you like it?

  The man says, "I hate that ". Last night I drank a whole case of Schlitz and blew chunks.

  The bartender says, "You drink a case of any beer you're going to blow chunks".

  You don't understand said the man, Chunks is my dog.

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