André's Best Jokes Page 14!
These are the 500 best jokes I have selected from about 5 times as many over a period of months, thus guaranteeing they really are the best jokes... well, at least if you share my particular sense of humour :) All kinds of jokes will be found here, in no particular order, from clean jokes, to sex jokes, to president Bush jokes... Enjoy!
A woman is helping her computer-illiterate husband set up his computer, and tells him that he will now need to choose and enter password that he wants to use when logging on.
The husband, thinking he'll be oh-so-manly, types in the following letters when prompted for his desired password by the computer. p - e - n - i - s
His wife rolls her eyes and then nearly falls off her chair howling with laughter when the computer replies: PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH.
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven ... don't step on the ducks."
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck, and along come St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same punishment as the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, tan, muscular, and with good hair. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The woman remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?" And the guy says, "Well, I don't know what you did, but I stepped on a duck."
A successful farmer died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good looking woman, and determined to keep the farm, but knew very little about farming, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a farm hand.
Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied, she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about farming. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the farmer's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job and the farm looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. However, one o'clock came and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty and found the farmer's widow sitting by the fireplace. She quietly called him over to her.
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed.
"Now take off my boots." He did so, slowly. "Now take off my socks." He did.
"Now take off my skirt." He did.
"Now take off my bra." Again with trembling hands he did as he was told.
"Now," she said, "take off my panties." He slowly pulled them down and off.
Then she looked at him and said, "Don't you ever wear my clothes to town again!"
president Bush and Colin Powell are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that president Bush and Colin Powell sitting over there?" The barman says, " Yep, that's them."
So the guy walks over and says, " Wow, this is a real honor. What are you guys doing in here ?"
Bush says, " We're planning WW III."
And the guy says, " Really ? What's going to happen ?"
Bush says, " Well, we're going to kill 140 million Iraqis this time and one bicycle repairman."
The guy exclaimed, " A bicycle repairman ? Why kill a bicycle repairman ?"
Bush turns to Powell, punches him on the shoulder and says, " See, smart ass, I told you no one would worry about the 140 million Iraqis".
After having been commissioned by God to take a survey of how man was doing on Earth, St. Peter now stood before his boss ready to present his findings.
"Tell me, St. Peter, what have you found out?" God asked.
"I'm very sorry to have to tell you this, but the people are behaving in a sinful manner. There's drugs, alcohol, murders, you name it. A regular Sodom and Gomorra. But the worst is this new obsession with oral sex. According to my survey, 88% of the population is doing it. I'm afraid it has reached epidemic proportions.
"Hmmm," God said thoughtfully, "do you have any recommendations as to what should be done to put an end to this sexual perversion?"
"I think we should send a message to everyone on Earth who engages in oral sex. The contents of that message should tell them exactly what will happen to them on Judgment Day if they do not stop this type of activity." Replied St. Peter.
"That is an effective solution," God stated, "but I think that instead of punishing those who practice oral sex, we should reward those who refrain from it. Let's send a letter that's personally signed by me to each one of these good people."
And so they did.
Do you know what the letter said?
(scroll down)
No?
(scroll down a little more)
Hmmm...
You didn't get the letter either, huh??
A kindergarten teacher comes to class and says, "Today class I am going to give you a letter of the alphabet and I want you to give me a word that begins with that letter."
She begins with the letter "A" and all the kids raise their hands. There is one kid in the back named Johnny that is real eager to answer the question, but the teacher knows that he is always vulgar and likes to use obscenities so she chooses on little Mary to answer. Mary stands and says, "A...Apple" The teacher replies, "That's great, Mary, good job." So she moves on to the letter "B", and again Johnny is still eager to answer the question, but the teacher is sure that he will probably say "Bitch" or something like that so she calls on Todd.
Todd says, "B...Baseball." And the teacher replies, "Good Job, Todd." So they start going through the alphabet and the class' attention dwindles, except for Johnny. The teacher comes to the letter "R" and no one, except for Johnny, is raising their hand so she is forced to call on him.
"Okay Johnny, what starts with R?" she says. "R...Rat" Johnny replies.
"Rat, ...that's it...rat?" the teacher questions with astonishment.
"Yeah," says Johnny, "Big-ass mother-
in' rat with a dick 12 inches long."John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates." About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. "You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Julie said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."
Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"
Once there was an old man sitting on a bench in the park crying. A younger man walked up to him and asked "What's wrong?" The old man replied "I am married to a sexy 21 year old woman who gives me two blowjobs a day and we have sex the minute I get home from work and right after dinner."
The young man had a strange look on his face and asked "What's so bad about that? It sounds to me like you have a great sex life."
The old man replied "I can't remember where I live!"
Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."
With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Mama needs new clothes!" Then she hollered..."YES! YES! I WON! I WON!" She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers. She then picked up all the money and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know I thought YOU were watching!"
Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery
* Oops!
* Has anyone seen my watch?
* That was some party last night. I can't remember when I've been that drunk.
* Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
* Well this book doesn't say that... What edition is your manual?
* OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
* Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
* Come back with that! Bad Dog!
* Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
* Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie
* If I can just remember how they did this on ER last week.
* Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
* Damn, there go the lights again...
* Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of 'em.
* Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
* I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.
* Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
* Steril, shcmeril. The floor's clean, right?
* What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change!
* What do you mean, he's not insured?
* This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
* Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
* Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
* What do you mean "You want a divorce"!
* I don't know what it is, but hurry up and pack it in ice.
* Let's hurry, I don't want to miss "Bay Watch"
* That laughing gas stuff is pretty cool. Can I have some more of that?
* Hey Charlie, unzip the bag on that one, he's still moving.
* FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!