André's Best Jokes Page 16!
These are the 500 best jokes I have selected from about 5 times as many over a period of months, thus guaranteeing they really are the best jokes... well, at least if you share my particular sense of humour :) All kinds of jokes will be found here, in no particular order, from clean jokes, to sex jokes, to president Bush jokes... Enjoy!
Alcohol Consumption -- FDA Warnings
Due to increasing products liability litigation, American Beer Brewers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all beer containers:
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your butt kicked.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead/knees.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
LEARN CHINESE IN 5 MINUTES ... (READ THEM OUT LOUD)
1) That's not right...............Sum Ting Wong
2) Are you harboring a fugitive? ..Hu Yu Hai Ding?
3) See me ASAP....................Kum Hia Nao
4) Stupid Man.....................Dum Gai
5) Small Horse....................Tai Ni Po Ni
6) Did you go to the beach?.......Wai Yu So Tan?
7) I bumped into a coffee table...Ai Bang Mai Ni
8) I think you need a face lift...Chin Tu Fat
9) It's very dark in here.........Wai So Dim?
10) I thought you were on a diet..Wai Yu Mun Ching?
11) This is a tow away zone.......No Pah King
12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week...Wai YuKum Nao?
13) Staying out of sight...........Lei Ying Lo
14) He's cleaning his automobile...Wa Shing Ka
15) Great..........................Fu Kin Su Pah
A man left his cat with his brother while he went on vacation for a week. When he came back, the man called his brother to see when he could pick the cat up.
The brother hesitated, then said, "I'm so sorry, but while you were away, the cat died."
The man was very upset and yelled, "You know, you could have broken the news to me better than that. When I called today, you could have said he was on the roof and wouldn't come down. Then when I called the next day, you could have said that he had fallen off and the vet was working on patching him up. Then when I called the third day, you could have said he had passed away."
The brother thought about it and apologized.
"So how's Mom?" asked the man.
"She's on the roof and won't come down."
YOU KNOW YOU HAVE BAD HAIR WHEN...
...birds return to your hair every year to nest.
...people ask you what it's like to get electrocuted.
...people stop you on the street and ask if you do children's birthday parties.
...children point at your head and say... "What's your kitty's name?"
...you're asked to remove your hat in a restaurant even though you're not wearing one.
...you get barber shop gift certificates for birthdays and Christmas.
...dogs growl at your head.
...a parent points to your head and says to their kid, "That's what will happen to you if you don't eat all your vegetables".
...your barber asks you, "Should I cut that one on the top?"
...you get job offers from Ringling Bros. Circus.
How To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity
At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
Insist that your e mail address is: Xena-Warrior-Princess@OCDSB.edu.on.ca or Elvis-the-King@OCDSB.edu.on.ca
Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN."
Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."
Dont use any punctuation
As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
Specify that your drive through order is "to go."
Sing along at the opera.
Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
Put mosquito netting around your cubicle. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.
Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won!", "I Won!" 3rd time this week!!!"
When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "Run for your lives, they're loose!"
Tell your children over dinner. "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."
A husband and wife attend a small service at the local church one Sunday morning. The man was very moved by the preacher's sermon, so he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. Reverend, that was the best damn sermon I ever did hear!" The Reverend replied, "Oh! Why, thank you sir, but please, I'd appreciate it if you didn't use profanity in the Lord's house."
"I'm sorry Reverend, but I can't help myself... it was such a damn good sermon!" The Reverend replied, "Sir, please, I cannot have you behaving this way in Church!" "Okay Reverend, but I just wanted you to know that I thought it was so damn good, that I put $5,000 in the collection plate." The Reverend's eyes opened wide as he remarked, "No
!"A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase one and enter it in the races. However at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third! The next day the local paper carried this headline: 'PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS'
The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The paper read: 'PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT'
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The paper headline read: 'BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS'
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The paper headline the next day read: 'NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN'
The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.00. Next day the headline read: 'NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00'
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey, lead it to the plains where it could run wild and free. Next day, the headline in the paper read: 'NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE'. The Bishop was buried the next day.
A man dies and goes to hell. Satan greets him, shows him three doors, and says, "You must spend the rest of eternity in one of the rooms behind these doors. Look in each one and decide which one you want."
The man opens the first door, and sees a bunch of people standing on their heads on a wooden floor, looking very uncomfortable. He opens the second door, and sees a bunch of people standing on their heads on a concrete floor, looking even more uncomfortable. Finally, he opens the third door, and sees a bunch of people standing around chatting and drinking coffee, up to their knees in sh*t.
"Hmmm," he says, "that looks bad, but it's better than the other two. I'll take the third door." Satan smiles and shows him in.
Ten minutes later Satan walks back into the room and says, "Alright, coffee break's over, everyone back on your heads!"
1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2 hard at work at his desk. He works independently, without
3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and always
5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7 breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
10 classed as an asset employee, the type which cannot be
11 dispensed with. Consequently, I recommend that Bob be
12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13 executed as soon as possible.
Addendum:
That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines.