André's Best Jokes Page 19!
These are the 500 best jokes I have selected from about 5 times as many over a period of months, thus guaranteeing they really are the best jokes... well, at least if you share my particular sense of humour :) All kinds of jokes will be found here, in no particular order, from clean jokes, to sex jokes, to president Bush jokes... Enjoy!
One day, a mechanical engineer, electrical engineer, chemical engineer, and computer engineer were driving down the street in the same car when it broke down.
The mechanical engineer said: "I think a rod broke."
The chemical engineer said: "The way it sputtered at the end, I think it's not getting enough gas."
The electrical engineer said: "I think there was a spark and something's wrong with the electrical system."
All three turned to the computer engineer and said: "What do you think?"
The computer engineer said: "I think we should all get out and then get back in."
A priest finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help. He goes into the church and begins to pray...........
"Oh God, please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well, please let me win the lotto". Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. The priest goes back to the temple...
"God, please let me win the lotto, I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well".
Lotto night comes and the priest still has no luck! Back to the temple...
"My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, my car and my wife and children are starving... I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. Why won't you just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order???"
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the sky parts open and the priest is confronted by the voice of Lord :
"PRIEST, BUY THE DAMN TICKET FIRST".
What does a redneck do after making a Xerox copy?
He compares it with the original for spelling mistakes!
An Englishman, an American and an Irishman are called upon to test a lie detector.
The Englishman says: "I think I can empty 20 bottles of beer". BUZZZZZZ, goes the lie detector. "Ok", he says, "10 bottles". And the machine is silent.
The American says: "I think I can eat 15 hamburgers". BUZZZZZZ, goes the lie detector. "All right, 8 hamburgers". And the machine's silent.
The Irishman says: "I think...", BUZZZZZZ goes the machine.
Johnny and Mary were always boasting of their parents achievements to each other.
Johnny: 'Have you ever heard of the Suez Canal?'
Mary: 'Yes, I have'
Johnny: 'Well, my father dug it.'
Mary: 'That's nothing, have you ever heard of Dead sea?'
Johnny : 'Yes, I have.'
Mary: 'Well, my father killed it.'
A guy went to a doctor with 2 red ears.
The doctor asked him what had happened to his ears and he answered:
"I was ironing my shirt and the phone-rang. Instead of picking up the phone I picked up the Iron and stuck it to my ear".
The Doctor exclaimed in disbelief: Oh dear! What happened to your other ear ?".
The guy replied "The son of a
called again!"A guy is travelling in a train. On the way, he feels the urge to go to the toilet. So he goes and opens the bathroom door, and sees another inside; quickly apologizes, and comes back to his seat, not realising that he had only looked into the mirror in the bathroom. Repeated attempts prove futile as every time he opens the door, he finds the same guy in the exact same position.
Not being able to take it anymore, he hunts down the conductor and relates his sorry tale. The conductor promises to take a look, goes to the bathroom to oust the offender, and returns with a sheepish look on his face.
"What's wrong?", asks the guy. To which the conductor replies, "I'm sorry, brother I can't do anything, this man is a railway staff member".
What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you? Run like crazy.... (She's got a hand grenade in hers mouth.)
How do you get a redneck on the roof? Tell him the drinks are on the house.
A concerned husband went to the doctor to talk about his wife. He said to the doctor, "I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat things."
"Well," the doctor replied, "go home tonight, stand about 15 feet from her, and say something. If she doesn't reply, move 5 feet closer and say it again. Keep doing this until we get an idea about the severity of her deafness." The husband went home and did exactly as the doctor had instructed. He started off 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she was chopping some vegetables.
He said, "Honey, what's for dinner?" He heard no response. He moved 5 feet closer and asked again. No reply. He moved 5 feet closer. Still no reply. He finally got fed up and moved right behind her, about an inch away, and asked again, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
She replied, "For the fourth time, vegetable stew!"
An American tourist in India walked into a beautiful deserted forest and found a lovely pool in it, and decided to go skinny-dipping. She looked around, didn't see anyone, and undressed and just as she was about to dive in, the gardner appeared from behind the bushes where he was hiding all along and said, 'Madam! Swimming not allowed!'
'You could have told me that before I took off my clothes!', the American woman scolded him.
The gardener replied, 'Madam, only swimming not allowed, taking off clothes allowed!
In order to develop friendly relationship between the two countries, Bush and Gorbatchov decided to visit each others country regularly. The first visit was by Gorbatchov to the USA.
There Bush showed him America's modern telecommunication systems. It was so good that Gorbatchov made a call to Stalin in hell and talked to him for 5 minutes! The bill for the call came to only $1.
When Bush came back, he wanted USSR's telecommunication systems to be better. Suitable arrangements were made. Bush visited the telecom department and talked to Roosevelt in hell for 5 minutes. But this time, the bill was $500!
Bush asked with a sarcastic smile - "Why are telephone calls to hell so costly in Russia?"
A high level diplomat gave a smiling reply - "From America to hell, it is a local call, Sir, while from Russia it is long distance!".
Billy is standing amongst his cattle and resting his elbows on the back of the cattle he poses for the photo. Next day the photo appears on the front page of the newspaper newspaper and the caption reads "Billy, third from left!"
A blonde is out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank.
"Yoohoo" She shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"
The other blonde looks up the river then down the river then shouts back, "You are on the other side."
A frencman is at a bar in New York.
A man comes and tells the bartender, "Johnnie Walker, Single" and the man's companion says, "Jack Daniels, Single".
The bartender approaches the frenchman and asks:
"And you sir." He replies "Jaque Cristeau, married"
A CNN news editor got 20 years in prison for calling president Bush a fool. 5 years for the scandal and 15 for revealing a state secret!
"I have a bad headache. Can I go home?" said John to his boss.
The boss replied "Nonsense, yesterday I had a headache, I dashed home, had sex with my wife, the pain disappeared and I was back at work in less than an hour. Why don't you try it?"
John said: "Good idea, call up your wife and tell her I'll be right over."
Teacher : Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?
Pupil : Brotherly love!
John stood one day in his backyard and heard an owl hoot. So he thought he'd give a hoot back. To his surprise and delight the bird hooted again. The next night the same scenario occurred.
All summer, John and his feathered friend hooted back and forth. He even kept a log of the "conversations". Just as he thought he was on the verge of a breakthrough in interspecies communication, his wife had a chat with her next door neighbour.
"My husband spends his nights calling to owls," she complained. "That's odd," the neighbour replied. "So does my husband".
Girl : When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.
Boy : It's very kind of you, darling, But I don't have any worries or troubles.
Girl : Well that's because we aren't married yet.
A guy was trying to sleep but one mosquito kept flying around and disturbed his sleep with its sound "buzzzz buzzzz buzzzz".
He gets very irritated. He tries to cover his ear but the problem remains persistent. Ultimately he gets up and catches the mosquito in his hand.
He is very kind and gente. Happy as he is now starts singing a lullaby and says "sleeping my baby, tralalala...".
After some time he finds the mosquito falling in to deep sleep in his hands.
So he goes near it and shouts "BUZZZZZZZ BUZZZZZZZ BUZZZZZZZ"
An American went into a French restaraunt and asked the waiter, 'Have you got frog's legs?'
He said, 'Yes,' so the American said, 'Well hop into the kitchen and get me a hamburger!'